Methadone Milkshake

2006-12-18T13:16:00.000-05:00

Dedicated to Jess: The Recap

A couple of weeks ago Jess, Summer, and I were being served Mexican food by the "Dude, you're getting a Dell" guy when Jess began to tell us that she's been watching The Bad Girls Club on Oxygen. She said that at the end of the first episode, 2 of the bad girls got absolutely wasted, drank a whole bottle of tequila themselves and then decided that practicing yoga would be a fantastic idea. Jess was obviously enthralled by the show and could not wait for the next episode.

Jess undersold...BIG TIME.

First of all, I'd like to introduce the bad girls. Aimee, Jodie, Ty, Leslie, Zara, Kerry, and Ripsi. I can't really describe what they are all doing in the house because I missed the first 19 minutes of the episode. Also, I don't really care to hear about their troubled lives or how jealous they think all women are of them. It doesn't matter to me in the slightest how they became bad girls. Know what does matter to me? That they are bad girls NOW.

In the first episode, Jodie, the hot chick who is referred to by the other women as the Pam Anderson/Porn Star wannabe gets hit on by some guy in a club. Leslie tries to get him off of her and hijinks ensue. Leslie is physically thrown (and I mean thrown) from the club. All the Bad Girls get back in their limo and head home. Leslie is, of course, furious that Jodie didn't have her back in the club. There's a lot of yelling and screaming. Leslie kneels before Jodie in the limo and Jodie puts her knee up into Leslie's boobs to stop her from hitting her.

I have many things to say.
1) Jodie is actually a hot chick. I am, however, angry at the other girls. the nickname they have dubbed her with insults both Pam Anderson...and porn stars.
2) I respect what Leslie did, but it should be clear to everyone (even after one day together) that Jodie enjoys that kind of attention.
3) A woman who responds to any criticism by telling that person that they are jealous has spent way to much time listening to her mother.
4) Putting your knee in my boob would not stop me from hitting you. Just saying.

To continue the episode...
The following morning, Aimee yells at Jodie for no really discernible reason. I think she wanted to get some screen time. Jodie, of course, tells her she is just jealous. Ripsi decides that the best way to get over a hangover is to get drunk again when she wakes up and that girl wakes up early. Blah blah blah...drunken funniness...blah blah blah. Then, the last 15 minutes. Ripsi and Zara drink an entire bottle of tequila between the 2 of them. (Oh, did I mention that they would probably need Nicole Richie's clothing taken in?) Then, they go outside and start practicing yoga.

Then...it happens. Ripsi loses it. For No Apparent Reason. She walks up to Kerry and starts yelling and cursing at her. She tries to strangle her. She leaves marks. Kerry manages to escape Ripsi's maniacal clutches and runs toward the house. Ripsi follows. Kerry throws her in the pool.

In Episode 2, Ripsi gets out of the pool and follows Kerry into the house. She then proceeds to beat anything that isn't tied down including a sleeping Jodie, furniture, and some very unsuspecting apples. She finally passes out and of course, cannot remember a single thing that happened the night before. Throughout her tirade, the other girls just watch. Sometimes they seem to be trying to control Ripsi, but I get the impression that they are being told not to get too involved. In fact, at one point, Ripsi appears to be passed out on the couch. Suddenly, she wakes up and continues to cause havoc. Could it be that the crew woke her up? If, so, WOOHOO to you, Crew! Really great work and a sincere thank you.

After typing this, I realize why Jess undersold. There is no possible way a description of it could do the amount of justice that this show deserves. Let me say this. If you haven't been watching The Bad Girls Club, you are missing out on one of the great joys in life.

2006-11-08T12:32:00.000-05:00

Dedicated To Ms. Curly McDimple

I haven't blogged in quite some time. The problem with that other than the threats of violence against my person is that so much has happened...or not happened rather, that it's difficult to know where to begin. I guess I'll give you a couple of little stories that will clarify for you my reasons behind getting myself to the nunnery. Orthodox Jewish family aside, I have begun to believe that a convent may just be the right place for me. The only problem with it is that I get the sneaking suspicion that God, much like the men that have recently made appearances in my life, is an asshole.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a date with a guy who was my soulmate...on paper. He was good looking, smart, sweet, smelled good, and he paid. About an hour and a half into the date, he began to describe his relationship with his therapist. He has been seeing his therapist for 7 1/2 years. Let's all say it out loud and in unison, shall we? RED FLAG! Also, he explained that he is so thrilled that his mother finally agreed to go to family therapy. He called me 8 days later and said that he waited so long to call because he thought I said I would call him and he didn't want to pressure me. So, here is my dilemma: Do I call him back? On one hand, he is thoughtful. On the other hand, he is TOO thoughtful. Who needs so many thoughts? Let alone enough thoughts to fill 7 1/2 fucking years of therapy? But, still I felt bad not calling back. But Jess cleared up my guilt. In her infinite wisdom she said, "My Sharona, there is absolutely no chance you are gonna like this guy." True that, Jess, true that.

The second incident occurred last weekend in Newport, Rhode Island. (I would like to again acknowledge Jess who granted me the rights to this story.) Saturday night, Jess, Summer, and I went to a little club with a big heart called The Boom Boom Room. Towards the end of the evening, we played our little outdoorsy game called "Who Would You...?" Remarkably, we each picked guys who happened to be there together. They were there with some other guys on an Orthopedic Surgery conference. Having all become intoxicated, we decided it would be a great idea to go back to the guys' hotel room to empty their mini bar.

Once we got there, Summer and I took a bathroom break only to emerge and find that Summer's guy had gone missing. I inquired as to his whereabouts. One of the guys said, "Oh, he went back to his room to go to sleep. He's married." I looked around the room and said, "I'm curious. Raise your hand if you are married." One hand shot up. "Anyone engaged?" My guy's hand shot up. "Anyone have a serious girlfriend?" Jess's guy's hand shot up. "Anyone have a not so serious girlfriend?" Up went the last hand. I put on my coat and Jess and Summer followed suit. And by the by, the mini bar was empty.

Finally, I'd like to give a shout out to the guy at the club who stepped on my coat. When, I politely asked you to not step on my coat, you told me to move my coat. Then, you gave me the finger. I'm sure your parents are very proud of you and thank their lucky stars on the daily that they were blessed to have a son like you. I know I would. But since I don't, I'll just thank my lucky stars for Parish, the sweet bouncer that put you in your place.

Have a good night guys. Good luck to your girlfriends, wives, and mothers. I'll pray for all of you with Sister Mary Katherine.

2006-10-04T12:25:00.000-04:00

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

A while back I met Soldier Boy on an internet dating website that shall remain nameless. He lived in Arizona which I found appealing because I would much rather be pen pals with someone than actually have to date him, but that's a story for another time. Anyhooo, a couple of days into the pen palling he tells me he is not in Arizona, but is, in fact, in Iraq. So, being patriotic as I am, I decided to do my part for the war effort and continue to write to him. He told me that my emails brightened up his day. Obviously I was also fantasizing about the day he would fly home and we could lock ourselves away for a week, etc. In my fantasy, it didn't matter that he lived in Arizona and I live in NYC. After all, there is no geography in erotic fantasies.

So, I did what I always do when I meet someone on the internet, I googled him and checked to see if he had a My Space page. I like to know exactly how much crazy I am getting myself into. He didn't come up in a google search, but he did have a My Space page. It wasn't anything too crazy, a couple of messages from friends showing support for the troops and a photo of him standing in front of a statue of a kneeling soldier acting out a sexual act. Ya know, fun stuff. Or so I thought.

A few weeks ago his emails stopped coming. He also hadn't opened an eCard I had sent him. I continued to write knowing that there are times that he can't get to a computer. A couple of days ago I logged onto My Space and found that he had logged on. At least he wasn't dead, I thought. I read some of the messages he had gotten from friends and it suddenly became clear. The first post that caught my attention was from Andrew:

9/15/2006 6:18 AM

dennis...oh my sweet dennis, how i have missed you since last night. I'm Shmandy Shmilishmakis! Just wanted to make sure things are going very "straight" for you over in the chapel. Muscles are free over in the gym tonight so me and johnson where gonna go check it out...hope you can make it, it's gonna be super. until then.........muah! Drew

At this point I thought it was just a joke, a weird, unfunny joke, but still a joke. But then, the clincher:

10/2/2006 7:06 AM

VEGAS! one little word...so much illegal activity! Dude it's gonna be fuckin sick. I hope your little lolita can make it too. That way if we get into trouble with anyone...she can sort stuff out the civil way....haha. Or however she does it :) i can't wait to see you at the gym tonight, my muscle bound inspiration. Later den den. Dude, we're such good bff's. i love you, drew

Jess, Summer and I have always agreed that the army is a lot like prison. You can be gay while you're there and straight when you get out. I mean, we understand that everyone's got needs. But there is a whole other side to Soldier Boy that I never knew about and that he never even alluded to in his emails. It seems that he has a girlfriend he never mentioned in addition to being the "muscle bound inspiration" for Andrew, whom he also never mentioned. But then again, I guess I never asked.

2006-09-14T15:26:00.000-04:00

Job Hunting VS. Dating: A Comprehensive Study

My sister, Liz, has been job hunting for what seems like forever. It isn't really forever, but when you are jobless, bored, and really want to work, time is magnified. Liz ponders: Why would an interviewer tell me he really likes me, he thinks I'm perfect for the position, and he will call for a second interview only to leave me hanging and wondering if I will, in fact, get the job? Should I call to follow up? Should I call the person who referred me for the position to see if she has heard anything? Should I continue to go on other interviews even though this is the job I really want?

Hmmm...

I, My Sharona, have been dating for what seems like forever. It hasn't really been forever, but when you are single, lonely, and really want a relationship, time is magnified. I ponder: Why would a guy tell me he really likes me, he thinks I'm perfect for him, and he will call me for a second date only to leave me hanging and wondering if I will, in fact, get the call. Should I call to follow up? Should I call the person who set us up to see if she has heard anything? Should I continue to go on other dates even though this is the guy I really want?

I notice a pattern emerging...

2006-08-10T12:05:00.000-04:00

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me A Match

I want to kill myself...

A woman who set up my sister, Liz, with the last psychotic boyfriend she had before she married her lovely husband called me.

Bitchy Matchmaker From Hell: Hi, My Sharona. This is a voice from the past, Blankie Blank from Blank Blank in Chicago.
Me: Hi, Blankie, how are you?
BMFH: Fine, thanks. Are you married?
Me: No.
BMFH: Wow, I am SOOO sorry.
Me: Uhhh...
BMFH: I hate hearing when the girls aren't married.
Me: Uhhh...
BMFH: How is your sister?
Me: Great.
BMFH: Is she still in Holland?
Me: No, she's back.
BMFH: Oh My God, is she still married?
Me: Yes.
BMFH: Oh, THANK GOD. Does she have any children?
Me: Not yet.
BMFH: Oh. Oh well. Do you have a minute?
Me: Uhhh...
BMFH: I have a guy for you.
Me: Thanks anyway, but I'm seeing someone.
BMFH: Oh, well THANK GOD. Let me know if you get married.
Me: Uhhh...

Um...yeah. As you all know, I am not currently seeing anyone since 2 certain "gentlemen", who shall remain nameless, we'll just call them NASA and McChip, couldn't get their acts together. But, if I thought for one second that I would have to resort to accepting a match from Blankie Blank, please hand me a razor without a mother fucking moisturizing strip. Thanks.

2006-08-09T13:18:00.000-04:00

That Explains It

'My Sharona' singer has brain surgery

Friday, August 4, 2006; Posted: 8:53 a.m. EDT (12:53 GMT)

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- The Knack lead singer Doug Fieger, perhaps best known for the 1979 hit, "My Sharona," underwent successful brain surgery Thursday, his doctor reported.

Fieger, 53, had two brain tumors removed during the operation at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, publicist Guy McCain said.

Dr. John Yu said the surgery was successful and Fieger was expected to have a full recovery, McCain said in a statement.

The Knack's upcoming concert tour has been postponed, McCain said. The tour had included stops August 11 at the Corbin Music Festival in Corbin, Kentucky, and September 2 at the Oregon State Fair in Salem, Oregon.

The Knack were formed in 1978. Their albums include "Get the Knack" and "... But the Little Girls Understand."

Singer-songwriter Fieger has said that "My Sharona" was inspired by a girlfriend of four years.

"I had never met a girl like her -- ever," he told The Associated Press in a 1994 interview. "She induced madness. She was a very powerful presence. She had an insouciance that wouldn't quit. She was very self-assured. ... She also had an overpowering scent, and it drove me crazy."

2006-08-07T13:06:00.000-04:00

Movie Review

I went to see Lady in the Water in spite of the bad reviews. I seldom listen to reviews. I like to decide for myself. This attitude gets me into trouble sometimes...with movie viewing and friend choosing.

My review of Lady in the Water? I loved it. WTF?! You ask. Three reasons...
First, I absolutely LOVE M. Night Shyamalan. I would watch anything of his. I loved Unbreakable and The Village, 2 films of his that did not get good reviews either. Second, I am easily entertained. It does not take much to keep me in a seat for 2 hours, especially if there is popcorn involved. If someone took the time...and millions of dollars to attempt to entertain me, I appreciate it.

My third and final reason for enjoying Lady in the Water...I believe in fairy tales. I think that the reason so many people disliked this movie is their inability to suspend disbelief. It's a movie...it's not supposed to be real. When someone says that a movie wasn't realistic, I kinda think...they're missing the point.

2006-08-01T10:01:00.000-04:00

It's Official, I'm Depressed

This doesn't happen very often and I've been putting off writing about it, hoping it would go away, but it hasn't and it's been like a day and a half. So, I thought maybe blogging about it would help. I am in deep like. It's been a lttle over 2 weeks since I started dating McChip, if you can even call it dating. We've gone out twice in 2 weeks. I know what you're thinking. What's so bad about that? I'll tell you what's so bad about that. I'd rather be spending more time with him. That NEVER happens to me. I usually get bored by the end of the first week like I did with Captain Joe and NASA.

And I'm not just into him cuz he's playing hard to get. There is real stuff here. He's smart, funny, talented, and sexy in a way that makes me wanna do stuff to him. I'm not really so familiar with these feelings.

The truth is it wouldn't be so confusing if McChip weren't calling and/or im'ing me almost every day. He went away for the weekend and called me twice while he was out of town. He makes references to future plans multiple times during our conversations, but never actually seals the deal with a date request. He spent our last conversation telling me all about his sister's wedding plans and how he spent time with his friends 1 1/2 year old daughter and had such a great time with her. Swoon...and...WTF?!

So, as I mentioned, his behavior is extremely confusing. Actions speak louder than words, don't they? I am grudgingly becoming aware that he's just not that into me. If that's the case...I wish he'd stop wasting my effing time, ya know?

2006-07-31T15:14:00.000-04:00

Americans Are Fat

Last weekend Summer and I went to Hershey Park on a spontaneous road trip. I allowed myself to be dragged on roller coasters, 2 in fact, as well as the most sickening ride, the Pirate. You know the one. The pirate ship that swings you up in the air and then comes plummeting down only to swing you in the other direction. I'm just thrilled I managed not to throw up.

The most important lesson of the day was this...Americans are fat. Not only were there signs for height requirements, but there were actually signs for weight limits. Some poor guy had to get off the roller coaster cuz the bar wouldn't close down over his belly.

It's our fault, people. There is absolutely no reason on earth to offer buckets of fries when the small is enough for 2 people. I bought a 1/2 pound Hershey Bar and I thought, "WOW! This is the biggest chocolate bar on earth!" Guess what? It's not. When, i got home Fish and McChip shattered my dreams of sugar shock.

Me: OMG, Fish. I bought the biggest chocolate bar on earth!
Fish: You got the 5 pound chocolate bar?!
Me: Uhhh, no. There's a 5 pound chocolate bar?

3 hours later...

Me: OMG, McChip. I thought I bought the biggest chocolate bar on earth, but...
McChip: You got the 10 pound chocolate bar?!
ME: Uhhh, no. There's a 10 pound chocolate bar?

Considering that a 1/2 pound chocolate bar is apparently not nearly the biggest chocolate bar on earth, is it any wonder Americans are fat?

2006-07-24T13:33:00.000-04:00

My Retarded Jean Company

I am sooooo pised. (Yes, I know there's another 's' in pissed, but pised (long i) is from one of my favorite movies so, I use that instead.) Anyhoo, I was searching for cheap designer jeans. (My favorites are 7 for all mankind.) I came across a website called myjeancompany. They had my favorite jeans on sale for 40% off. I was so excited, I ordered 3 pairs. Being one for instant gratification, I paid extra for second day air. I figured it was ok cuz of the 40% discount. I placed my order last Wednesday, July 19 and not so patiently waited till Friday for my jeans. Saturday came and went. No jeans.

I called the customer service line. Big mistake. There was a voicemail that said: "Customer service hours are Monday through Thursday from 9:30 till 4:30." No name of the company and no "sorry we're dumbasses." I sent an email cuz the site claimed to have "live customer service chat". Uh uh. Still no response.

Monday morning, July 24. I called customer service again. "Hi, this is Kurt. I'm away from desk. Please call again. WTF?!!!!!!!!!!!

Later Monday morning, I called again. A girl picked up the phone in a huff cuz apparently, I had interrupted her gum chewing. "Hello." I explained the situation and asked why my jeans had not yet been shipped. She put me on hold.

Some other chick picked up. "Hello." I repeated my situation and asked why my jeans had not yet been shipped. "Oh, well, they are out of stock." I asked why no one had let me know. She insisted that I had spoken to someone on July 20. I politely let her know that if that been the case, I would not have been calling all day and would not have sent the email. Her reply? "Oh, well our phone customer service and email customer service are on 2 different floors." WTF?!!!!!!!!!

I cancelled my order.

In conclusion, myjeancompany, I submit to you that you are not, as you claim to be, my jean company. You are in fact, no one's jean company, nor shall you ever be.

2006-07-18T10:38:00.000-04:00

What Is The Definition Of Normal?

This morning I went to the doctor to have an eye exam so I can renew my driver's license. I read the letters at the bottom of the chart. Then, the doctor told me I have 20/15 eyesight. Being the overachiever that I am, I asked what is considered perfect eyesight. He told me that 20/20 is normal. "So, you're better than normal," he said. (As if I didn't know that...) But, here is something to ponder: If someone is "better than normal," does that mean ABnormal?

2006-07-17T13:20:00.000-04:00

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree: Part III

Uh Oh

My parents came back from vacation the other day.

Me: How was your trip?
Mom: It was soooo good. I didn't have a headache at all. But of course, the second I got off the plane, I had a pain in my left temple.
Me: I'm sorry to hear that.
Mom: It is so terrible to get these headaches, My Sharona. You have no idea. I feel like I have one right now. It's just awful. And I woke up at 1am today. I fell asleep at 8:30 last night and was up for the day at 1am! I think I'm going to take a nap. I'm just so tired.
Me: Okay. That sounds like a good idea.
Mom: By the way, how is NASA?
Me: Did I tell you that I call the new guy I'm dating NASA?
Mom: No, that's what I call him.

Uhhhhh.....I think I'm in trouble.

2006-07-10T13:48:00.000-04:00

Polls Of The Day: Parts IV and V

Part IV:

About a month ago, my friend, Daniel, hooked me up with a guy he sorta knew and thought was very nice. Daniel said that this was the guy that would restore my faith in men. Obviously, he did not or I would not be dedicating a poll to him, but I digress. So, Flakey waited 2 weeks to call me after he got the number. By that time, I had already forgotten about him. He said that he had been ridiculously busy at work and continues to be busy, but we made a date for 6 days later. He called me again 10 days later. He had stood me up and was calling to apologize. He said he would like to take me out, but that he would understand if I did not want to go. Flakey figured that at the very least he owed me an apology. Then, he said he was going away for 3 days and would call me when he got back. He called 9 days later.

After the second call, the apology, I would have rescheduled the date. I figure that he had the balls to apologize when he could have just never called me again. Also, Daniel was nice to set me up and I wanted to be respectful of that. After the third call that came 6 days late, I am reconsidering my forgiveness of the situation. I'm not taking it personally, he doesn't know me, it's not personal.

Last night, he left me a message. What should I do?

2006-07-10T13:45:00.000-04:00

Part V:

I told Stef the recent scenarios that have vexed me in the bedroom. The last 2 guys I dated removed their protective gear and attempted re-entry. Stef asked me if they were Jewish and I responded in the affirmative. Stef thinks that it is typical of Jewish guys to make that move. I hadn't previously made that connection, but am now seriously considering it.

What do you think?

2006-07-05T18:37:00.002-04:00

Sorry Lala

I'm dating a new guy who seems to have several qualities I look for in a new guy.
Smart enough to work at NASA- check
Politically incorrect sense of humor- check
Plays a musical instrument- check

Uhhhh....
Small appendage- check
Inconsiderate behind closed doors- check

The inconsiderate I think I can work with. The small appendage, however, does not help his case.

And seriously, when did back door become oh so acceptable? Like as just part of foreplay? I can appreciate that some girls are fans, I just think it should be discussed beforehand. Also, I think it's irresponsible to try the back door without wearing a coat. Ya know?

2006-06-27T11:40:00.000-04:00

No Really, I Give Up

Jess reported that after having seen the movie Shopgirl, she now understands men. Now, she totally gets how a man can be in love with you, but not want to be with you. With that kind of review, I had to check it out for myself. So, I paid the $3.95 and watched it On Demand in the comfort of my living room. Know what I think? Now, I really don't understand men. I don't understand how someone could love you so much and want to be with you, but the timing isn't right. It just doesn't make any sense to me. I guess I just think that if you really want to be with someone, timing shouldn't matter. If you really want to be with someone, you make it work. If you really want to be with someone, you don't keep checking your on line personals ad to make sure you're not missing out on someone better. If you really want to be with someone, you call when you say you will. If you really want to be with someone, you treat her with the same respect with which you'd want your sister to be treated. If you really want to be with someone, you tell her that...and mean it...and actually do it.

2006-06-27T08:36:00.000-04:00

Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

A while ago, Fish and I were looking at an issue of Vogue with Nicole Kidman on the cover. I mused, "She looks like an alien." Fish retorted, "Really? I think she looks like an angel." Now, while I can appreciate that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I ask you...if angels looked like this...

Wouldn't you prefer to go to hell?

I'm just saying that women like Nicole Kidman and Meg Ryan...

who were beautiful to begin with might be sending the wrong message. Women should look like females, not felines...

It's not a good idea...

Just ask Jocelyn Wildenstein.

2006-06-26T09:55:00.000-04:00

Size Matters

Yesterday, over Drunk Brunch, Jess, Jean and I discussed a matter close to most girls' hearts. Does size matter? Jess believes that girth is what counts while Jean and I agreed that it's really length that's most important. However, we all agreed that girth with no length and length with no girth are not good choices either.

Anyway, what is average? We couldn't decide. As Jess posted (www.blindcavefish.com), Jean believes that average is 7 inches. I thought it was more like 5 or 5 and 1/2. Jean thoughtfully added that it's not what you have, it's how you use it. But is that really true? If you have nothing to work with, can you really do anything with it? I mean, 0+0=0, doesn't it?

Jess pointed out that size isn't necessarily a deal breaker if other appendages are utilized to their full and utmost capacity. I agreed. Jean didn't. Lemme tell you about our good friend, Jean. She thinks average is 7 inches, all guys go down till you squirt, and intercourse always lasts for at least 20 minutes. I'm not mad.....

just jealous.

2006-06-21T10:46:00.000-04:00

Biggest Guilt Trip EVER

My grandfather has been sick and out of it lately. He was diagnosed with Parkinson's and Diabetes. Every day he comes up with a new and uninteresting complaint. It's sad and tragic, but he's had a wonderful life. He ran a successful business, he has a very loving family, and he's traveled the world. But apparently all that is not enough. What's really important to him? My lack of a husband.

A while ago I spent a weekend with my grandparents. At one point between the complaining my grandfather said to me: "My Sharona, I really hope you get married before I pass over into the great beyond." Uh huh.

Then, my grandmother, GTMM, contributed to the conversation: "Oh and also, You really should start getting mammograms."

For all y'all who don't know...I'm in my twenties.

2006-06-14T13:10:00.000-04:00

Mythbusting: Part II

The Platonic Friendship: Ain't No Such Thing, Y'all

Platonic friendship between a man and a woman is right up there with the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus. The only way it can almost exist is when a man and a woman meet, one has sexual feelings for the other, and then it fizzles into friendship, either because a) the feelings were never discussed and eventually just faded away (kinda like when you wait too long to pee) or b) the sex was bad. (If the sex was bad it would have to be like funny bad, not embarrassing bad.)

I know some of you might be thinking that you have at least one platonic friend. If that is what you are thinking reread the above paragraph. If you still think you have a platonic friend and sincerely have never had sexual feelings toward that person then, the rule still applies, cuz that person has had or is presently having sexual feelings about you.

I hope this helped...

2006-06-13T11:59:00.000-04:00

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree: Part II

Dedicated to Lala

For Mother's Day a few weeks ago, I had the family over to my place for lunch. I cooked. Considering it was my first real attempt to cook for more than one person, I did a pretty good job and by that I mean no one died. But I digress...

I had invited my sisters, parents, and brother-in-law. I wanted to invite my grandparents, but I thought that would force me to invite Aunt and her spawn. As it turned out, I was right...

My grandmother, the queen bee of manipulators, casually mentioned to my mother: "Maybe I should have Mother's Day at my house. That way everyone will be able to come." My mother frantically called me and told me I had to invite Aunt and her spawn so as not to disrupt the delicate balance that is my dysfunctional family. By that, I mean that Aunt and my grandmother say whatever they want to the point of being downright mean and we all grin and bear it. Aunt's creepy husband says creepy things in a creepy tone and we all pretend not to be creeped out. Aunt's spawn don't say hello to anyone, complain about the food, and examine personal items, and we all pretend that we are not picturing them hanging by their toenails.

So, I invited them. Aunt RSVP'ed yes for 6 people. On Mother's Day, only 2 showed up with the other 4 sending various excuses through Aunt. I was livid! I am a young person living alone. I don't have food for 4 extra adults just lying around my apartment. Most of the time I am scrounging around for food for one. The irony was that I hadn't even wanted them there in the first place! I only invited them to appease Grandma The Master Manipulator.

Fast forward to yesterday...the week before Father's Day. Liz (see last post) is talking to previously mentioned grandmother and inviting her to Father's Day.

Liz: I'm calling to invite you to Father's Day at my house. It will be for brunch.
GTMM: Oh, good. Then, we can go to Aunt's house afterward.
Liz: Oh, good, because I wasn't going to invite them to my house. I don't like how they handled Mother's Day with My Sharona.
GTMM: Well, that wasn't Aunt's fault. It was really your mother's fault.
Liz: Uhhhhh
GTMM: Whatever. Let's not rehash the whole thing again.
Liz: Uhhhhh

So, apparently GTMM thinks that I should have contacted Aunt following her acceptance (for 6 people) of my Mother's Day invitation to confirm that she really meant it. Further, my mother should have trained me to do that which makes the whole situation ultimately my mother's fault.

Uhhhhh.....

2006-06-12T13:09:00.000-04:00

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree

Ladies and Gentlemen, My Sister Liz

Me: Hi, Liz. How are you?
Liz: You know, I'm not so good. I have this really annoying guy in my class. He bothers me all the time.
Me: Well...
Liz: I know I should ignore him, but I can't. He's always in my face. Also, I'm having a hard time at work. My boss said some really weird stuff the other day.
Me: Well...
Liz: Ugh forget it, you know I don't want to talk about it anymore.
Me: We can talk about me if you want.
Liz: No, I really don't. I just don't have the head for it. I gotta go.
Me: Uhhh....

It's no small wonder that Lala, Fish, and I have survived.

2006-06-07T10:19:00.000-04:00

Poll Of The Day: Part III

Captain Liar?

Remember Captain Joe? Well he has resurfaced. I didn't give you guys the whole scoop before...and I won't really do it now. But last week I was feeling a bit guilty about how I left things with him. So, I called to apologize for hanging up on him last time we spoke and to tell him that I think he was pretty lame about certain things. Like for example text messaging to ask "are you okay?" Lemme tell you this, if anyone really cared if you were okay, they would CALL you. Also, it is unacceptable to casually mention an ex-fiance as if it is NO BIG DEAL.

He apologized. Profusely. He was leaving town again for 6 weeks. I said we could try to be friends. We hung up.

He texted 10 minutes later to thank me for calling. He called me later that day to tell me that he had arrived safely at his destination. Over the next few days, he called and texted like I am the only person he knows. I kinda got it. When you go away for extended periods of time, it's nice to think that someone is waiting for you. But I am not that person and I gave him no indication that I would be.

Yesterday, I got a text from Captain Joe that said: "Hey Rachel, Here's a pic of my new room."
Me: Who's Rachel?
CJ: She's my ex-fiance. Why do you ask?
Me: Because you just sent me a text that said, hey rachel.
CJ: I am sooooo sorry. I meant to write, hey my sharona
CJ: Are you pissed at me?

Then, he called. Clearly the text messaging king was really worried that I was pissed. I told him I just thought it was funny.

So, here's the question: Did he purposely text "rachel" to put that thought in my head? Or is he really just that stupid?

2006-06-05T13:14:00.000-04:00

Just Call Me Fiona

I've been a bad, bad girl...

Sorry ya'll. I realize it's been a couple of weeks since I have posted. I hope you haven't forgotten about me. I'm back with a vengeance. Sort of. I don't really have anything important to write. I even called Mom twice to try to get something, but to no avail. I guess I'll write about my dating marathon last week.

Friday night: We'll call him Boy. Dinner. Nice enough. Quite a hottie. Made completely inappropriate jokes. Generally, I'm a fan of inappropriate humor. Except when the joke is about pedophilia. And I can't tell if you're joking. Cuz WE JUST MET! But he paid for dinner. Potential.

Sunday afternoon: We'll call him The Guy Whose Name I Can't Remember, cuz I swear, I can't. Coffee. He was rude to the waitress, he insulted my education, and he had what can only be described as the worst waxing job of a male unibrow I have ever seen. His finger nails were long and dirty. Honestly, I don't think I need to prolong my agony by retelling the rest. No potential.

Tuesday evening: We'll call him Fake. He was too nice to the waitress if you know what I mean. But overall a lovely time was had. Nothing too bad or too good to say. Just there. No sparks. I may give him a second chance though, you know, if he calls. Potential?

That's all for now. I'll try not to neglect the Milkshake again or at least not for the forseeable future. Later...

2006-05-22T09:41:00.000-04:00

Apparently, This Is Letter Writing Day

Dear Miss Tanya,

A while back, on May 3rd, 2006, I wrote a post complimenting the breathtaking phenomenon that is DOG: The Bounty Hunter. In your intelligent and might I add, correct, comment, you wrote: "I heard Dog is going to marry the mother of his children this season." I incorrectly replied to your comment with this: "Oh no, Miss Tanya, the DOG is already married to his lovely wife, Beth." Please accept my apology. I learned the error of my ways this morning while reading Metro on the subway. (For all y'all who don't know, Metro is a daily free newspaper that is distributed to commuters and usually has a lovely gossip section.)
Today, Metro had printed the following blurb:

'DOG' TIED DOWN; LOSES DAUGHTER
Duane "Dog" Chapman, star of A&E's reality show "Dog the Bounty Hunter," has married his longtime sidekick, Beth Smith. The sunset ceremony on the Big Island took place Saturday, a day after the death of Chapman's daughter. Barbara Katy Chapman, 23, was killed in a car accident near her home of Fairbanks, Alaska.

I will just ignore that Dog and Beth mourned for a whole day prior to their betrothal and just reiterate my apology. Miss Tanya, you were right.

Sincerely,
My Sharona

2006-05-22T09:26:00.000-04:00

8675309

Dear Julie,

Please stop using my phone number as your fake phone number. It is very annoying to get drunk dials from men who have met you, clearly think you are into them, and are now calling you for sex. At first it was kinda funny, I admit it. But now, it's just annoying. I can respect that you are obviously a popular girl and I will even give you the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps you and I have very similar phone numbers and in the middle of what I can only assume must have been a drunken stupor, you mixed up some of the digits. I say "must have been a drunken stupor" based on the call I got last night:

Me: Hello
Some Weirdo: It's me! Your brunch date from Friday!
Me: Huh?
Some Weirdo: ME! YOUR BRUNCH DATE FROM FRIDAY!
Me: Huh?
Some Weirdo: Julie?
Me: Uh, no.
Some Weirdo: JULIE?
Me: Uh, no. You have the wrong number.
Some Weirdo: JULIE?!
Me: No. You have the wrong number.
Some Weirdo: Is this 917-xxx-xxxx?
Me: Yes, but this is not Julie. THERE IS NO JULIE HERE!
Some Weirdo: Really?
Me: Yeah.
Some Weirdo: Yeah, yes, or yeah no?
Me: Uhhhh

So, in conclusion, Julie, if you are to continue to give my number out, please be more choosy with it.

Thanks,
My Sharona

2006-05-16T09:23:00.000-04:00

Mythbusting

Jess (www.blindcavefish.com), Jean, Lala, and I hung out Saturday night. Some stuff came up that I thought y'all should know about. Disclaimer: The following stats are completely accurate.

1) Women love the 69.
9 out of 10 women agree that 69 is annoying. We would rather get and give, taking turns and therefore giving and receiving a good job. Otherwise, it is too distracting and it's enough work for us without having to also pull off the balancing act.

2) Women love the anal play.
9 out of 10 women agree that having someone play around back there is also distracting. We find ourselves nervous about what's going to happen next and therefore we can't relax.

3) Women love the dirty talk.
9 out of 10 women agree that although it can be nice and stimulating, dirty talk can also get really annoying. Also, dirty does not always equal sexy. Sometimes, it's just dirty.

I hope this helped.

2006-05-15T19:37:00.000-04:00

Payback Is A Bitch

Mom: So, I hear that there are a lot of people who aren't Jewish on that Jdate.
Me: Uh huh.
Mom: Men and women?
Me: Uh huh.
Mom: I don't understand. I mean, I understand why women who aren't Jewish would do it. It's the whole Jewish doctor thing. But why would a man who isn't Jewish want a Jewish woman?
Me: Because Jewish women are known for their oral abilities.
Mom: Uhhhhh.........

Yup, that stumped her.

2006-05-12T10:32:00.000-04:00

Mother's Day Madness

Mom: (in a whisper) I'm in a store.
Me: Aha
Mom: (in a whisper) Did you get me something for Mother's Day?
Me: No.
Mom: (NOT in a whisper) Were you going to?
Me: Why?
Mom: (in a whisper) Cuz I'm in a sewing supply store and I could really use a new sewing box.
Me: Well, how much are they?
Mom: (medium whisper) Ummmm. Let's see. This one is $400.
Me: How about a key chain instead?
Mom: (NOT in a whisper) Forget it. Don't get me anything.

Uhhhhh.....

2006-05-11T10:32:00.000-04:00

You Know, Just In Case

Me: So, I decided something REALLY important.
Lala: What's that?
Me: I have to tell you where my porn stash is.
Lala: WHAT!
Me: You know, just in case I die. I want you to go to my place and remove the porn before Mom and Dad see it.
Lala: WHAT!
Me: What are you talking about? Don't you want me to grab your vibrator? You know, just in case.
Lala: I don't have a vibrator...anymore.
Me: What do you mean?
Lala: It's in the dumpster behind Benny's Pizza.
Me: Really?
Lala: That's not like...where I kept it.
Me: I'll never understand you.
Lala: I love our little chats.

2006-05-08T13:44:00.000-04:00

Cell Phone Freedom

Over the weekend I bought a new cell phone. I love it, it's so pretty, and I'm a gadget girl. At first I was annoyed that the guy at Radio Shack didn't have the capability of transferring my old phone book into my new phone. Then, I realized. It's THAT time of year again. The time of year when I spring clean my social life. I love going through my phone book and deleting all the people that I haven't called in the last year. If I haven't called you in a whole year, I probably won't call you. The same goes for the spring cleaning of my closet. If I haven't worn it in a year, I probably will never wear it again. Except my skinny jeans.

2006-05-03T09:57:00.000-04:00

I Changed My Mind

On Monday, I posted that Laguna Beach, The Real O.C. is the best show on TV. I have since changed my mind. The best show on TV is actually, DOG: The Bounty Hunter. If you have never caught an episode, I highly recommend it, especially with the new season being in full swing. Don't worry, you don't have to have seen the other episodes in order to catch up. You can join in on the fun right now! Dog is a bounty hunter with a heart of gold who frequently refers to himself in the 3rd person. "That's how you met the Dog" and "That's why the Dog had to come get you" are both expressions you might hear in any given episode. At the end of each episode is that Full House lesson of the day moment when Dog explains to the bounty how he has brought the Dog on himself but he still has a chance to turn his life around once he gets out of jail, of course. The best moments are when the Dog removes his sunglasses to wipe away the tears. Pure magic.

2006-05-03T09:53:00.000-04:00

So Annoying

I apologize for this one, but as I told everyone on my email contact list, I want you to feel my pain: (And you have Lala to blame for this)

This will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying it to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and
make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!!!

I told you so... And there is nothing you can do about it.

2006-05-01T11:35:00.000-04:00

There Are Some Things Money Can't Pay For

Friday night was the charity event to support the rich kids' sailing lessons on their private yachts. And let me tell you, it was everything I thought it would be and less. While I did have fun with the girls, Kelley, Nora, Nadia, most of the people were sooooo pretentious that they didn't even seem real. It was worse than the attitudes on Laguna Beach, The Real O.C. (Yes, I watch it! It's the best show on TV.) I think the clincher was when I mentioned out loud that I would much rather be in a dive bar. This guy standing next to me said "I like to go to dive bars, too, from time to time. You know, to see what the blue collar guys are doing." No, I am not kidding! And neither was he... That is when I exited stage left.

I think the next charity event I will attend will be to fund lobotomies for the people too stupid to realize they need one.

2006-05-01T10:26:00.000-04:00

Top 7 Reasons To NEVER Get Married

7) The insanity that is my parents.
6) It seems that you spend the first 8 months in happiness and then, the rest of the time contemplating cheating or wondering if your spouse is cheating on you. (Based on the reports given by married people and singles being courted by married people with whom I've spoken within the last month.)
5) I don't wanna have to tell anyone where I am going or when I'll be back.
4) Although sometimes, it's nice to wake up next to someone, I usually like to be alone after the glow has worn off around lunchtime.
3) "Men" like Captain Joe, Rocktard, Nick, etc.
2) Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell.
1) I don't ever wanna get to a point where I feel completely comfortable peeing in front of a guy.

2006-04-28T10:44:00.000-04:00

Stat Update

Yesterday someone got to Methadone Milkshake by searching MSN for "What is a Sharona?" I love it. But my personal favorite: Shout out to the person who got here by searching for "show me your tits." I don't which is better, that you searched for it or that your search found me.

In other news: Yesterday Jess (www.blindcavefish.com) and I solved our case.

Me: My sister is reading your blog from beginning to end and calling me every 5 minutes lol'ing.

Jess: OMG. Your sister, AKA the only person currently reading everything
I've ever written, comes up as Toronto.

Your sister is your stalker. Not The Monkey.

So, Tha Monkey, I am officially and publicly apologizing to you. While admittedly, I kinda liked being blog stalked, it's not so cool to find out it's by someone who is biologically obligated to love me.

2006-04-26T16:08:00.000-04:00

Poll Of The Day: Part II

Who is the bigger bitch?

1) D
M tells D that she hooked up with someone new a couple of weeks after having broken up with her boyfriend and 6 months after the hookup with the guy she started dating before her boyfriend. If D leaves the station at 12:42...Just kidding.
Okay so, to recap, M hooked up with someone then, started dating someone exclusively for 5 months then, hooked up with someone else 2 weeks later. M tells her close friend D about all 3 guys. D says: "Wow, you have the DNA of like half the city on your sheets, don't you?!"

2) J
L tells J that she and her husband have been trying to get pregnant, but they are having difficulty. L is very upset about it and frequently confides her feelings in her close friend J. L and J are set to be bridesmaids at an upcoming wedding. L tells J that she would like to wait 2 extra weeks to get the dresses so she can find out if she is pregnant. J says: "I'm so sick of hearing you talk about this. If you're not pregnant by now then, you definitely won't be in 6 months from now!"

I know it's a tough call, but I trust y'all to make an honest determination.

2006-04-26T15:30:00.000-04:00

Blogs Don't Cry

Remember when Hilary Swank won the Oscar for Boys Don't Cry and she thanked everyone under the sun except for the person who was most supportive in getting her to that stage in the Shrine Auditorium or wherever the Oscars were that year. That's how I feel today.

Jess (www.blindcavefish.com) does not need to be on any list because she transcends them.

Though, Curly is a close second.

2006-04-25T21:08:00.000-04:00

My Milkshake Brings All The Boys To The Blog

Me: Someone googled my milkshake.
Jess: That is the funniest thing I have ever heard.

Other stuff that brought people to this blog:

1) www.curlymcdimple.com
2) www.web-ho.com/blog/
3) www.mejack.blogspot.com
4) www.crabapplelane.net/roblog/
5) People (3) in Utah searching for methadone.
6) Someone in Hong Kong googling "sex on the first date."
7) Someone in Kentucky searching for info on porta-potties.

Congratulations to all you winners.

2006-04-24T10:30:00.000-04:00

I'm Going To Hell

Kelley called me on Friday and asked me if I would pay $85 to attend a black tie event on Friday night. She said it was for some important charity, but she couldn't remember which one. I agreed sight unseen cuz I had fun at the last one I went to with her, I love playing dress up, and I'm always up for donating to a good cause.

Wanna know what my hard earned $85 will be going to support? I will be helping rich kids pay for sailing lessons that their richer parents don't wanna pay for. Oh yeah, that's right.

It makes me feel good to do things for the underpriveleged.

2006-04-23T15:18:00.000-04:00

New Plan

To be honest, sometimes my life can be a bit difficult. Most of the time the guys I am interested in would not be accepted by family which is to say they are not Jewish. Even Captain Joe who was more Jewish than I am (hebrew tattoos) would not have been Jewish enough for my family because his mother wasn't Jewish. So, Summer and I have come up with a new plan.

Me: Mom, Dad, I'm a lesbian.
Mom: Oh my god! My blood pressure! Bring me my Imitrex, my migraine is killing me and I can't believe you are telling me this after I fell asleep at 3 am last night because I couldn't remember if I had taken my Imitrex so, I took more Imitrex. What have you done? You are doing this to punish me.
Dad: (In Israeli accent) What's a lesbian?
Me: Just kidding, I'm just dating a goy.

So, what do you think?

Jess: If you were actually a lesbian, would you have to date jewish women?
Me: I figure at that point, it's pretty much a free-for-all.

2006-04-23T11:53:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday, Jean

Last night was Jean's birthday party at our usual haunt, Grassroots. Summer and I gave Jean the best birthday present ever. We changed all the numbers in her cell phone of the guys that she would potentially drunk dial. Don't worry Jean, I saved them in my phone...or did I?

So, now I'm nursing my hangover and watching E. Is there a bigger pimp than Snoop? I mean, really. Why am I not at brunch, you ask? Cuz I'm cleaning out my closet a bit early so to speak, of poisonous people that is.

Oh and it's not helping that it's raining, cloudy, and cold here AGAIN! It's time to move to LA people. (Come on, Lala, I'm only into my 3rd day of being back. I'm not ready to give up on the dream yet.)

2006-04-21T12:32:00.000-04:00

Imagine My Dad With A Thick, Israeli Accent:

Me: Hi, Dad. thanks so much for picking me up.

Dad: Your welcome, baby. How was your trip?

Me: My flight was okay. I slept a lot. But there was this huge, smelly guy with dreadlocks sitting next to me. I found myself wondering if I was going to get lice. You know because of that whole thing about Bob Marley supposedly having like 600 species of lice in his hair after he died. But, anyway, LA was so much fun. I think I want to move there. You know I always endup feeling like that when I get back. Maybe I'll actually do it this time. Then, I'll have a real excuse to never go to family stuff.

10 second pause...

Dad: What's a dreadlock?

2006-04-20T12:02:00.000-04:00

P.S.

I wanted to let y'all know that I am still a blogtard since I am new at this, but I wanted to give a shout out to everyone who has mentioned me on their blogs. When I get home, I hope to make a comprehensive list and send out personalized thank you notes. ;) Love ya!

2006-04-20T11:25:00.000-04:00

I Have Much To Ramble About

I have had the best vacation ever! I have never felt more relaxed, you know, except for the frequent position shifting due to the intense sunburn on both of my arms, which, by the by, the heat of which can totally be felt through my sweatshirt and apparently triggers the writing of incoherent run-on sentences.

Right now I am on the couch in Melissa's living room having been displaced here by the couple from hell, we'll call them No Neck Tom and Gold Digger Katrina. Now I ain't saying she's a gold digger...wait, I am, which is weird cuz No Neck is broke, broke. So, let me set the scene. GD lives in Denmark and met NN there while he was vacationing and, I guess, looking for a little Danish girl to call his own. I will leave out the part about NN's American girlfriend because thinking about it makes smoke come out of my ears and aggravates my sunburn.

So, GD flew to visit NN in the US and the 2 of them flew together to LA. They showed up on Tuesday to sequester my spot on the air mattress. Don't get me wrong, the couch is extremely comfortable. But, don't you think that 2 people who flew to a city for a secret rendezvous should GET A ROOM?! The funniest was when I went to lunch with them and GD conveniently forgot her credit card. NN told me she does that a lot. I felt like saving them both a lot of trouble by taking her aside and saying "GD, he's a night watchman. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it does mean that he's not exactly gold digging material. Oh yeah, and he has NO NECK!" But I didn't because it's none of my business and I AM ON VACATION. Also, I admit that I actually find them quite entertaining in a sad, I can't wait to see them on Jerry Springer kinda way.

Tonight, I fly home back to New York and I have spent this morning searching for jobs in LA. Not to worry, though. I do this every time I go somewhere (and so does Jess). We decide that we want to live in the city we are visiting and for about a week we plan how we would do it. Then, we get back into our routine, realize there is no place like home, and plan our next vacation so we can start the process all over again.

Thanks Adam and Melissa for being ever the gracious hosts and to Duncan for forcing me to buy new headphones for my iPod.

2006-04-19T21:55:00.000-04:00

Celebrity Sightings:

1) Bai Ling in Starbucks- For all y'all who don't know who that is (that means you Melissa, Adam, and Jed) check out Go Fug Yourself. She wasn't wearing anything too crazy which is to say she was actually wearing clothes. Ms. Ling was adamant about only wanting one packet of honey with her tea.

2) Nicholas Brendan at my friend's pool- Nothing too special here except that he was on my favorite show of all time, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. He's pretty good on Kitchen Confidential, too. But he will always be Xander Harris to me.

2006-04-17T12:42:00.000-04:00

Sad, But True

1) Neutrogena Spray Sunblock DOES NOT WORK. I will definitely be in the shade for the rest of my trip nursing my latest in a long line of ridiculous sunburns. I am a blotchy mess.

2) David Schwimmer has absolutely NO personality. He was just on Regis and Kelly and although I had just woken up, I fell asleep.

3) Yesterday, my friends and I were at a beach cafe and this guy sat down in his plastic chair and it broke. He wasn't, in my humble opinion, "break the chair" big. The poor guy was brought a wooden (read: sturdier) chair and he spent the rest of his meal not talking at all. Of course, he ordered the requisite double chili bacon cheeseburger deluxe and Diet Coke. What would you have done?

2006-04-17T12:17:00.000-04:00

You Never Really Know Someone

Captain Joe and I met through one of those online dating sites. (I bet if I had included that in my original posts, you would have all agreed that I could have broken up with him over email, which I did anyway, but at least you would have all agreed.) By the by, three days after we started dating, he proclaimed that he was removing his profile. I, on the other hand, never made such a proclamation. So anyway, I was on the previously mentioned dating site and I saw that Captain Joe is back on. I looked at his profile and realized that the last time he updated it was March 18th! That was four days after the previously discussed proclamation! While we were still dating! But, really, what should I have expected from someone I met over the internet? I'm kinda just relieved he didn't turn out to be an 81-year-old pedophile.

2006-04-13T10:34:00.000-04:00

I Take Requests:

Meg and I belong to a profession that comes with huge responsibility. We both have Master's Degrees and Licenses in our field. We both have demanding jobs which require intelligence and tact. We both attend the same voluntary advanced training program so that we can learn more and challenge ourselves. That's why it really toasts our cookies when someone else in our profession who supposedly has the same credentials that we have says things like this:

"So, what I was feeling from what you just spoke of is that persons who have that experience or situation or occurrence might be feeling like other persons may not be understanding or concurring with that person's statements or opinions. So, that was just what I was feeling, or supposing, or surmising from what you said."

All together now: Huh?

2006-04-12T19:24:00.000-04:00

This Morning On The Way To The Airport:

Me: I'm in seat 16D, in case you need to identify my teeth.
Dad: Cool.
Me: Just in case, Fish can have my cd's and Lala can have my apartment.
Dad: What do I get?
Me: Fine. Fish can have my cd's, Lala can have my clothes and YOU can have my apartment as your pied-a-terre.
Dad: Cool. Do I have to bring Mom?

By th by, y'all: I saw Andrew Shue in Soho yesterday. He's so much shorter in real life than he was on Melrose Place. Go figure.

Oh and Frank, thanks for completely reiterating my point.

2006-04-11T17:19:00.000-04:00

LOL

Was anyone watching TBS last night? They were showing ads for their weekend Lord of the Rings marathon. They showed clips: "I love you, Sam," knowing and loving glances between Frodo and Sam, a knowing glance from Gandalf, etc. Suddenly, I realized the music in the background was "Secret Lovers." I could not believe it! Brokeback Mountain has replaced the Matrix as the next film to influence...everything. Don't you think?

2006-04-10T20:25:00.000-04:00

omg

Me: OMG, Jess. I totally have a stalker. Someone read my blog seventeen times today!Who the f is in Ashburn, Virginia?

Jess: Um, yeah. That's me.

2006-04-10T13:38:00.000-04:00

Top Seven Reasons This Weekend Didn't Suck:
7. Domino Harvey
6. Stef's surprise birthday party
5. My Super Sweet 16 marathon
4. Jess's Birthday Party
3. Hanging out with Curly McDimple
2. Mozzarella Sticks and Disco Fries
1. No uncomfortable texting from Captain Joe

Top Seven Reasons It Kinda Did:
7. I saw yet another bitchy chick that I can't stand get engaged to a nice guy
6. My Sunday morning hangover from hell
5. Having to go to brunch with a Sunday morning hangover from hell
4. I realized that I can't have drinking binges without hangovers anymore
3. Saturday
2. I broke my 3 month no-smoking streak
1. No uncomfortable texting from Captain Joe

2006-04-07T14:42:00.000-04:00

I totally forgot to tell you:

A couple of years ago, I was in LA for New Year's Eve. A friend of mine knew a bunch of really rich chicks who rented a limo for the night basically to get wasted, drive around, lean out of the sunroof, flash people, and scream at guys to "show me your tits" without actually having to go anywhere. I, of course, joined them. I drank way too much champagne and was in the seat facing backwards. By now, I'm sure you can guess what happened. I threw up. But, the best part is that I threw up on one of the rich chicks. One Miss Traina. I'm not sure of her first name, but she is totally Danielle Steele's daughter. She wasn't pissed or anything, she actually laughed it off. Pretty cool, huh? Definitely, my best semi-celebrity story. Except for the one about a certain L&O actor who shall remain nameless...for now.

2006-04-07T09:49:00.000-04:00

When In Doubt, Blog About Mom

Somewhere in Queens, NY, a phone rings...
Mom: Hello.
Me: Hi, Mom. How are you?
Mom: Did I tell you I was tested for Diabetes?
Me: Uhhh
Mom: Because I'm always thirsty.
Me: Uhhh
Mom: But it turns out, I don't have Diabetes. I am just always thirsty. Woa, I mean that would be the last thing I need!
Me: Uhhh
Mom: Well, I guess it wouldn't be the last thing I need, but you get the idea.
Me: Uhhh...Have a good weekend.
Mom: Thanks, dear. Bye, bye.
Me: Uhhh
Then, she hung up. No, really.

2006-04-06T09:42:00.000-04:00

Strange Stuff I Heard This Week (and it's only Thursday):

1) A woman saying that she likes to "solicitate information" and "orientate new staff" to procedures. (If you don't get why that is strange, I'm officially offended. It's like nails on a chalkboard people! Nails on a chalkboard.)

2) There is a gay nightclub in Australia called Throb. (No really.)

3) On Tuesday, my sister and my father each told me a separate and interestingly funny porta potty story. (I so seldom get to hear one at all, let alone 2 in one day!)

4) In some places in the midwest, a woman is referred to as "broken" when it's her time of the month. (There isn't a comment you could post here that I haven't thought of myself. I dare you!)

2006-04-06T09:30:00.000-04:00

Post Breakup Recap:

Against Lala's wishes, I broke up with Captain Joe via email. Jess and Jean can vouch for the kindness of the email since I had them approve it prior to hitting send. Whatever, I'm a sheep. And damn him, he sent me a reply that made me rethink the whole thing. I guess we could try the whole friendship thing if I actually believed in platonic friendship. But, alas it just wasn't meant to be.

Also, I don't know how I feel about posting dating snippets about people that I actually, you know, have feelings for. Yesterday, I panicked when someone googled "My Sharona Blog" and found me. Jess and I had to to do some serious detective work and we still didn't figure it out. Oh and to my reader in Ontario: hey.

2006-04-05T11:07:00.000-04:00

To Frank Who Commented On My Post From Wednesday, March 29, 2006:

farce (färs) n.

1) A light dramatic work in which highly improbable plot situations, exaggerated characters, and often slapstick elements are used for humorous effect.
2) The branch of literature constituting such works. The broad or spirited humor characteristic of such works.
3) A ludicrous, empty show; a mockery: The fixed election was a farce.
4) A seasoned stuffing, as for roasted turkey.

v. farced, farc·ing, farc·es
1) To pad (a speech, for example) with jokes or witticisms.
2) To stuff, as for roasting.

2006-04-05T10:43:00.000-04:00

Poll of the day: I met a guy, we'll just call him Captain Joe, a month ago. (I know Jess had Captain Jersey, she let me borrow the moniker.) Captain Joe and I hung out almost every day for 2 weeks. Then, he left for a 2 month journey of which we are only in the middle of week 2. Since he left he has been quite attentive. He has called, texted, emailed, and sent flowers. Since he left I have realized that he is just not the one for me. I would like to end the charade so that he doesn't expect that I'll be waiting when he returns. I would also like to end my own torment of listening to the most mindnumbingly boring stories ever told.

So here is the question: Can I break up with him via email?

2006-04-04T09:27:00.000-04:00

Ode To My Idiotic Interns: All 4 of you
Calling in sick at least once a week
Eye infections, Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, a bathroom leak,
Creating more work for me will not fly,
You're not being sneaky, you're not being sly.
You're not my boss, you should learn your role,
You're on the lowest rung on this totem pole.
You just don't realize that I determine your fate,
Do what you're told, you need me to graduate.
Or, who will you go to for a reference letter?
It sure as hell won't be me, you should know better.

2006-04-03T09:20:00.000-04:00

Jess said that I won the coin toss which means that I get to post about Girls' Night. First, I would like to say that I have no idea how Jess lost her cell phone or bloodied up her foot. I do remember that Jess had to put her phone down during the second pillow fight because her purple panties had no pockets. But, Summer and I saw no bloody feet whatsoever when we left Jean and Jess. I swear.

I will say this about us RC girls... we should never try to have a serious conversation while intoxicated. It just seems to not work out so well. Not to mention that it totally kills my buzz. So from now on, ladies, let's just stick to the usual Girls' Night subjects, you know, who is famous in China, the funny things guys say to us mid coitus, what we say back, who pressed on an anus this week, and what we want on our pizza.

2006-03-31T10:49:00.000-05:00

In honor of my brand new blogathon, I googled myself. I know it's kinda strange that I never thunk to do it before. Well, I sort of did do it before. But, today I googled images of "My Sharona." Here are the results:

The obvious ones:

and...

The not so obvious ones:

Somebody really loves his cow.

By the by, did ya'll know that Nirvana, Veruca Salt, and Weird Al Yankovic all did covers of My Sharona? Somewhere poor Kurt Cobain is thinking WTF was I thinking?

2006-03-31T10:12:00.000-05:00

WHY CANT GUYS ASK GIRLS OUT LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE?

Okay, what’s with the “we should hang out sometime.” Or the, “maybe we’ll do something next week.” Or, “ you should stop by.” Let me clarify. None of these comments are requests for dates, Young Jake. The truth is, if a guy wants to ask you out, he’ll say things like, “would you have dinner with me tomorrow night?”, “will you get a drink with me on Friday?”, and “how’s 7:30 for you?” So, to recap, a guy has asked you out when a specific day, time, and activity have been mentioned. Two out of three will suffice.

The hard part is that when it’s a guy you like, it’s hard to not wonder what he meant by, “what are you doing next weekend?” Unfortunately, he was probably just curiously making conversation. I was told by a friend, that guys are stupid when it comes to flirting. They don’t pick up on clues. You pretty much have to smack them in the face with your innuendos and then yell it in their ears. Sometimes they need diagrams...and dioramas (long story).

2006-03-30T09:32:00.000-05:00

Somewhere in Queens, NY, a phone rings.
Mom: Hello.
Me: Hi, Mom. How are you?
Mom: I'm gooood.

10 second pause.

Me: Oh, I'm good, too. Thanks for asking.
Mom: So what, now you're mad at me?
Me: No. It's just a bit strange.
Mom: Fine. Hang up and call me back and we'll try again.

Somewhere in Queens, NY, a phone rings again.
Mom: Hello.
Me: Hi, Mom. How are you?
Mom: I'm gooood.

10 second pause.

Me: Are you kidding?
Mom: What?
Me: I'm good too. Thanks for asking.
Mom: Fine. So, I'm a terrible mother.
Me: No. Just a terrible conversationalist.

2006-03-29T13:11:00.000-05:00

Jean and I have come up with a new theory on dating. THE RULES be damned! Last night we were reviewing some of the guys my friends and I have dated. We realized that in all the recent situations that the guy ended up being some sort of boyfriend, hookups were involved on the FIRST date. That's right, I said it. Even more shockingly, we were not made to feel like sluts. We felt a connection and went with it. The great thing about these guys was that they were secure and nonjudgmental enough to call us the next day and mature enough to realize that immediate, intense attraction is a GOOD thing. It's not necessarily a reason to never call someone again. So, Jean and I have come up with a new plan. From now on, we should have sex on the first date as a way to weed out the good guys from the other ones. I mean really, what's the point in waiting till the fifth date to find out someone is bad in bed?

2006-03-28T10:57:00.001-05:00

I have a friend named Carrie. All girls have a friend like Carrie. She’s the friend that you can’t stand. The one you were friends with in high school but now you can’t remember why you keep her around. I’ll tell you why I keep Carrie around and maybe that will help you figure out your dilemma. Carrie is a terrible person and a terrible friend. When I speak to her on the phone I hang up pissed off nine out of ten times But, she is the most fun to gossip with and I’ve been friends with her for so long that I don’t know how not to be friends with her. Also, I have kept my feeling s about her to myself for so long that at this point, it would be pointless to say anything to her. I said something once four years ago but things got worse, not better so, I decided to never confront her again. Instead, I secretly hate her. It’s not the most mature thing, I know, but I’m not one for confrontation, especially when I know it will get me nowhere.

Anyway, Carrie went to dinner with her husband and some of his coworkers. She tells me three weeks later, after I did her a favor, that she thought that one of Matt’s coworkers and I would be perfect together. He was cute and nice. He was funny and seemed like a great catch. After two phone calls reminding her, she finally spoke to him the following week and set it up. He called me and we made plans to meet at a restaurant. He was shorter than I am...without my shoes on. He was chubby. He wore pinky rings on both hands. He was rude to the waiter. He made outgoing phone calls from his cell phone during dinner. Needless to say, this guy was NOT a great catch.

There is no chance in hell that Carrie thought that this guy was my type. There is no way that she thought I would really like him. She just threw someone in my face so that she could feel like she did a good deed. The problem is I’m not sure if she really doesn’t know any better from all those years of being stupid. Of course, the other, more plausible possibility is that she is pure evil. I have to stop writing about this. Smoke is coming out of my ears.

2006-03-27T14:50:00.000-05:00

So, I begin this blog in medias reis as the result of a migraine my mother gave me a couple of hours ago. I'm not exactly sure which direction I want it to take, but I do know this: I need an outlet. Especially since my novel has been going nowhere mostly because like many of the ideas in my life, it was like an impulse buy, one that I'm likely to never wear again...or even for the first time. But I digress.

Methadone Milkshake refers to a comment I made to someone who suggested that chocolate cake was like heroin. My sense of humor was lost on him. Much like his stupid frat boy jokes and inappropriate sexual comments were lost on me.

I would like to dedicate this to Jess for being my inspiration...and for always laughing with me.