Dedicated to Jess: The Recap

A couple of weeks ago Jess, Summer, and I were being served Mexican food by the "Dude, you're getting a Dell" guy when Jess began to tell us that she's been watching The Bad Girls Club on Oxygen. She said that at the end of the first episode, 2 of the bad girls got absolutely wasted, drank a whole bottle of tequila themselves and then decided that practicing yoga would be a fantastic idea. Jess was obviously enthralled by the show and could not wait for the next episode.

Jess undersold...BIG TIME.

First of all, I'd like to introduce the bad girls. Aimee, Jodie, Ty, Leslie, Zara, Kerry, and Ripsi. I can't really describe what they are all doing in the house because I missed the first 19 minutes of the episode. Also, I don't really care to hear about their troubled lives or how jealous they think all women are of them. It doesn't matter to me in the slightest how they became bad girls. Know what does matter to me? That they are bad girls NOW.

In the first episode, Jodie, the hot chick who is referred to by the other women as the Pam Anderson/Porn Star wannabe gets hit on by some guy in a club. Leslie tries to get him off of her and hijinks ensue. Leslie is physically thrown (and I mean thrown) from the club. All the Bad Girls get back in their limo and head home. Leslie is, of course, furious that Jodie didn't have her back in the club. There's a lot of yelling and screaming. Leslie kneels before Jodie in the limo and Jodie puts her knee up into Leslie's boobs to stop her from hitting her.

I have many things to say.
1) Jodie is actually a hot chick. I am, however, angry at the other girls. the nickname they have dubbed her with insults both Pam Anderson...and porn stars.
2) I respect what Leslie did, but it should be clear to everyone (even after one day together) that Jodie enjoys that kind of attention.
3) A woman who responds to any criticism by telling that person that they are jealous has spent way to much time listening to her mother.
4) Putting your knee in my boob would not stop me from hitting you. Just saying.

To continue the episode...
The following morning, Aimee yells at Jodie for no really discernible reason. I think she wanted to get some screen time. Jodie, of course, tells her she is just jealous. Ripsi decides that the best way to get over a hangover is to get drunk again when she wakes up and that girl wakes up early. Blah blah blah...drunken funniness...blah blah blah. Then, the last 15 minutes. Ripsi and Zara drink an entire bottle of tequila between the 2 of them. (Oh, did I mention that they would probably need Nicole Richie's clothing taken in?) Then, they go outside and start practicing yoga.

Then...it happens. Ripsi loses it. For No Apparent Reason. She walks up to Kerry and starts yelling and cursing at her. She tries to strangle her. She leaves marks. Kerry manages to escape Ripsi's maniacal clutches and runs toward the house. Ripsi follows. Kerry throws her in the pool.

In Episode 2, Ripsi gets out of the pool and follows Kerry into the house. She then proceeds to beat anything that isn't tied down including a sleeping Jodie, furniture, and some very unsuspecting apples. She finally passes out and of course, cannot remember a single thing that happened the night before. Throughout her tirade, the other girls just watch. Sometimes they seem to be trying to control Ripsi, but I get the impression that they are being told not to get too involved. In fact, at one point, Ripsi appears to be passed out on the couch. Suddenly, she wakes up and continues to cause havoc. Could it be that the crew woke her up? If, so, WOOHOO to you, Crew! Really great work and a sincere thank you.

After typing this, I realize why Jess undersold. There is no possible way a description of it could do the amount of justice that this show deserves. Let me say this. If you haven't been watching The Bad Girls Club, you are missing out on one of the great joys in life.

Dedicated To Ms. Curly McDimple

I haven't blogged in quite some time. The problem with that other than the threats of violence against my person is that so much has happened...or not happened rather, that it's difficult to know where to begin. I guess I'll give you a couple of little stories that will clarify for you my reasons behind getting myself to the nunnery. Orthodox Jewish family aside, I have begun to believe that a convent may just be the right place for me. The only problem with it is that I get the sneaking suspicion that God, much like the men that have recently made appearances in my life, is an asshole.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a date with a guy who was my soulmate...on paper. He was good looking, smart, sweet, smelled good, and he paid. About an hour and a half into the date, he began to describe his relationship with his therapist. He has been seeing his therapist for 7 1/2 years. Let's all say it out loud and in unison, shall we? RED FLAG! Also, he explained that he is so thrilled that his mother finally agreed to go to family therapy. He called me 8 days later and said that he waited so long to call because he thought I said I would call him and he didn't want to pressure me. So, here is my dilemma: Do I call him back? On one hand, he is thoughtful. On the other hand, he is TOO thoughtful. Who needs so many thoughts? Let alone enough thoughts to fill 7 1/2 fucking years of therapy? But, still I felt bad not calling back. But Jess cleared up my guilt. In her infinite wisdom she said, "My Sharona, there is absolutely no chance you are gonna like this guy." True that, Jess, true that.

The second incident occurred last weekend in Newport, Rhode Island. (I would like to again acknowledge Jess who granted me the rights to this story.) Saturday night, Jess, Summer, and I went to a little club with a big heart called The Boom Boom Room. Towards the end of the evening, we played our little outdoorsy game called "Who Would You...?" Remarkably, we each picked guys who happened to be there together. They were there with some other guys on an Orthopedic Surgery conference. Having all become intoxicated, we decided it would be a great idea to go back to the guys' hotel room to empty their mini bar.

Once we got there, Summer and I took a bathroom break only to emerge and find that Summer's guy had gone missing. I inquired as to his whereabouts. One of the guys said, "Oh, he went back to his room to go to sleep. He's married." I looked around the room and said, "I'm curious. Raise your hand if you are married." One hand shot up. "Anyone engaged?" My guy's hand shot up. "Anyone have a serious girlfriend?" Jess's guy's hand shot up. "Anyone have a not so serious girlfriend?" Up went the last hand. I put on my coat and Jess and Summer followed suit. And by the by, the mini bar was empty.

Finally, I'd like to give a shout out to the guy at the club who stepped on my coat. When, I politely asked you to not step on my coat, you told me to move my coat. Then, you gave me the finger. I'm sure your parents are very proud of you and thank their lucky stars on the daily that they were blessed to have a son like you. I know I would. But since I don't, I'll just thank my lucky stars for Parish, the sweet bouncer that put you in your place.

Have a good night guys. Good luck to your girlfriends, wives, and mothers. I'll pray for all of you with Sister Mary Katherine.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

A while back I met Soldier Boy on an internet dating website that shall remain nameless. He lived in Arizona which I found appealing because I would much rather be pen pals with someone than actually have to date him, but that's a story for another time. Anyhooo, a couple of days into the pen palling he tells me he is not in Arizona, but is, in fact, in Iraq. So, being patriotic as I am, I decided to do my part for the war effort and continue to write to him. He told me that my emails brightened up his day. Obviously I was also fantasizing about the day he would fly home and we could lock ourselves away for a week, etc. In my fantasy, it didn't matter that he lived in Arizona and I live in NYC. After all, there is no geography in erotic fantasies.

So, I did what I always do when I meet someone on the internet, I googled him and checked to see if he had a My Space page. I like to know exactly how much crazy I am getting myself into. He didn't come up in a google search, but he did have a My Space page. It wasn't anything too crazy, a couple of messages from friends showing support for the troops and a photo of him standing in front of a statue of a kneeling soldier acting out a sexual act. Ya know, fun stuff. Or so I thought.

A few weeks ago his emails stopped coming. He also hadn't opened an eCard I had sent him. I continued to write knowing that there are times that he can't get to a computer. A couple of days ago I logged onto My Space and found that he had logged on. At least he wasn't dead, I thought. I read some of the messages he had gotten from friends and it suddenly became clear. The first post that caught my attention was from Andrew:


9/15/2006 6:18 AM

dennis...oh my sweet dennis, how i have missed you since last night. I'm Shmandy Shmilishmakis! Just wanted to make sure things are going very "straight" for you over in the chapel. Muscles are free over in the gym tonight so me and johnson where gonna go check it out...hope you can make it, it's gonna be super. until then.........muah! Drew

At this point I thought it was just a joke, a weird, unfunny joke, but still a joke. But then, the clincher:

10/2/2006 7:06 AM

VEGAS! one little word...so much illegal activity! Dude it's gonna be fuckin sick. I hope your little lolita can make it too. That way if we get into trouble with anyone...she can sort stuff out the civil way....haha. Or however she does it :) i can't wait to see you at the gym tonight, my muscle bound inspiration. Later den den. Dude, we're such good bff's. i love you, drew


Jess, Summer and I have always agreed that the army is a lot like prison. You can be gay while you're there and straight when you get out. I mean, we understand that everyone's got needs. But there is a whole other side to Soldier Boy that I never knew about and that he never even alluded to in his emails. It seems that he has a girlfriend he never mentioned in addition to being the "muscle bound inspiration" for Andrew, whom he also never mentioned. But then again, I guess I never asked.

Job Hunting VS. Dating: A Comprehensive Study

My sister, Liz, has been job hunting for what seems like forever. It isn't really forever, but when you are jobless, bored, and really want to work, time is magnified. Liz ponders: Why would an interviewer tell me he really likes me, he thinks I'm perfect for the position, and he will call for a second interview only to leave me hanging and wondering if I will, in fact, get the job? Should I call to follow up? Should I call the person who referred me for the position to see if she has heard anything? Should I continue to go on other interviews even though this is the job I really want?

Hmmm...

I, My Sharona, have been dating for what seems like forever. It hasn't really been forever, but when you are single, lonely, and really want a relationship, time is magnified. I ponder: Why would a guy tell me he really likes me, he thinks I'm perfect for him, and he will call me for a second date only to leave me hanging and wondering if I will, in fact, get the call. Should I call to follow up? Should I call the person who set us up to see if she has heard anything? Should I continue to go on other dates even though this is the guy I really want?

I notice a pattern emerging...

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me A Match

I want to kill myself...

A woman who set up my sister, Liz, with the last psychotic boyfriend she had before she married her lovely husband called me.

Bitchy Matchmaker From Hell: Hi, My Sharona. This is a voice from the past, Blankie Blank from Blank Blank in Chicago.
Me: Hi, Blankie, how are you?
BMFH: Fine, thanks. Are you married?
Me: No.
BMFH: Wow, I am SOOO sorry.
Me: Uhhh...
BMFH: I hate hearing when the girls aren't married.
Me: Uhhh...
BMFH: How is your sister?
Me: Great.
BMFH: Is she still in Holland?
Me: No, she's back.
BMFH: Oh My God, is she still married?
Me: Yes.
BMFH: Oh, THANK GOD. Does she have any children?
Me: Not yet.
BMFH: Oh. Oh well. Do you have a minute?
Me: Uhhh...
BMFH: I have a guy for you.
Me: Thanks anyway, but I'm seeing someone.
BMFH: Oh, well THANK GOD. Let me know if you get married.
Me: Uhhh...

Um...yeah. As you all know, I am not currently seeing anyone since 2 certain "gentlemen", who shall remain nameless, we'll just call them NASA and McChip, couldn't get their acts together. But, if I thought for one second that I would have to resort to accepting a match from Blankie Blank, please hand me a razor without a mother fucking moisturizing strip. Thanks.

That Explains It

'My Sharona' singer has brain surgery


Friday, August 4, 2006; Posted: 8:53 a.m. EDT (12:53 GMT)


LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- The Knack lead singer Doug Fieger, perhaps best known for the 1979 hit, "My Sharona," underwent successful brain surgery Thursday, his doctor reported.

Fieger, 53, had two brain tumors removed during the operation at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, publicist Guy McCain said.

Dr. John Yu said the surgery was successful and Fieger was expected to have a full recovery, McCain said in a statement.

The Knack's upcoming concert tour has been postponed, McCain said. The tour had included stops August 11 at the Corbin Music Festival in Corbin, Kentucky, and September 2 at the Oregon State Fair in Salem, Oregon.

The Knack were formed in 1978. Their albums include "Get the Knack" and "... But the Little Girls Understand."

Singer-songwriter Fieger has said that "My Sharona" was inspired by a girlfriend of four years.

"I had never met a girl like her -- ever," he told The Associated Press in a 1994 interview. "She induced madness. She was a very powerful presence. She had an insouciance that wouldn't quit. She was very self-assured. ... She also had an overpowering scent, and it drove me crazy."

Movie Review

I went to see Lady in the Water in spite of the bad reviews. I seldom listen to reviews. I like to decide for myself. This attitude gets me into trouble sometimes...with movie viewing and friend choosing.

My review of Lady in the Water? I loved it. WTF?! You ask. Three reasons...
First, I absolutely LOVE M. Night Shyamalan. I would watch anything of his. I loved Unbreakable and The Village, 2 films of his that did not get good reviews either. Second, I am easily entertained. It does not take much to keep me in a seat for 2 hours, especially if there is popcorn involved. If someone took the time...and millions of dollars to attempt to entertain me, I appreciate it.

My third and final reason for enjoying Lady in the Water...I believe in fairy tales. I think that the reason so many people disliked this movie is their inability to suspend disbelief. It's a movie...it's not supposed to be real. When someone says that a movie wasn't realistic, I kinda think...they're missing the point.